The Screaming Octopus!
August 28, 2008
You know, I’m not much for the whole tentacle sex thing.
I mean, I dig that there are folks who get off on having their orifices penetrated by real or simulated cephalopods, I’m just not one of them.
The Screaming Octopus from VibeReview might have changed my mind about the use of invertebrates as pervertables. I mean, look at it! It’s so cute! And who can resist a toy with that name? Not me, and that’s why I tried it out last week with Kelly.
The idea is simple enough: a smallish bullet that runs on two watch batteries and is covered in a soft rubber octopus body, complete with eight splaying arms. Press the button on top et voila–a superfast buzz that sounds a bit like a mosquito. The shape of the octopus is perfect for surrounding a nipple, which is what I ended up doing a lot with Kelly while he was jerking off for me.
Another “I’m so glad someone thought of this” feature is the handy strap up top (Not pictured, but it’s there), which allows the user to control where the vibe goes, without touching the motor with his or her fingers, thus keeping the vibrations strong and right where they should be. I dragged that thing across Kelly’s nipples, balls and perineum, and he called it “nice.” This is high praise, since when he totally wants to jump my bones he says he “wouldn’t mind” fucking.
The Screaming Octopus is, as you might expect, waterproof. (Thank goodness, or its little arms would get all shriveled having to stay dry all the time!) Naturally, I took it for a leisurely swim dans le bain later that night.
Me likey.
The Screaming Octopus has, I think, found a home in my shower; to be produced at regular intervals when making out or making looove. The soft rubber is easy to clean, and the hummingbird-fast vibrations are a nice change from deeper, more intense frequencies you’ll find in larger products. This is not an “if you must buy only one vibrator, buy this one” toy; the vibrations are, in my opinion, less than ideal for pure wankage, you can’t put it inside your body, and it’s only got one speed.
But as an accessory? As a nipple/clit/bum stimulator? It’s sweet and lovely and I totally want to give one to all my girlfriends.
Order at VibeReview through November 4 and save 10% with this coupon!
The VibeReview Silver Bullet: My BFF
August 25, 2008
When I’m stressed out, when I don’t want to work too hard, or when straight-up banging with a partner just isn’t quite getting me there, there’s one toy I’ve been reaching for consistently for years: The Silver Bullet.
I’ve gone through several incarnations, from double bullets to cyberskin-coated flicky bullets, to bullets whose controllers glowed in the dark, but one fact has remained: The bullet is one of the least expensive, most sure-fire masturbatory aids I’ve ever had the pleasure of convulsing around.
The design is simple; straightforward. There are no variable pulsation patterns or glowy switches, just a simple bullet connected to a slim plastic controller with an easy-to-work-even-if-you’re-having-issues-focusing heart-shaped slider. The best feature of the Silver Bullet, in my opinion, is the fully adjustable speed. I like not being stuck with one or the other, and the easy, one-handed operation means no fuss when I need a little less buzz.
Use it on its own for a leisurely, cliterrific roll in bed, or pair it with an insertable dong or vibe for fully adjustable, mind-blowing stimulation likely to result in a well-deserved nap.
In my other role as a sex advisor for all my friends and countless others on the innerwebs, I recommend this toy over and again. There are no worries about parts lining up, as some of us have experienced with rabbit-type vibes, and you can use it on girls and boys alike. Technically, you’re not supposed to put it up your butt, but I’ve been known to throw a condom on one and stick it into a boy while I’m blowing him. Two tips: Keep a hold on the condom, and never pull it out by the cord. You don’t want to expose the copper wire that runs into the motor end of the bullet.
At least, um, that’s what I’ve heard. Zing!
Also, since it is so reliable and simple and easy to keep inside a pillowcase, I tend to use this toy for long periods of wanking and I’ve found that I need to switch the bullet from left to right and back to avoid the dreaded Clawhand. You know what I’m talking about.
The Silver Bullet is a pretty universal accoutrement, and as such will get you virtually NO stares (let alone bag searches) at airport security. Just remember to turn the batteries around, or your carry-on might give the dude sitting in front of you the Best. Plane. Ride. Ever.
Get yours here, and save 10% until November 4th!
Iris by LELO
August 15, 2008
Let me start by saying that I’m a pretty no-nonsense girl when it comes to jacking off: Fancy features like Internet connectivity on sex toys basically serve to annoy and frustrate me. I want to know that the object I choose is going to be simple enough to use, yet stand up to a) rigorous use and b) my elitist snobbery regarding things I put into my vagina.
For years my favorite G-Spot vibe was my trusty Celebrity/Slimline/Orchid G. It’s a ball on a stick, folks, nothing fancy, and yet very consistent in producing some very intense orgasms. So imagine my chagrin when, not only would I burn through vibrator motors every two months or so, batteries were constantly being changed and I started to think of ways to be able to afford my wanking habit. Should I brown bag it? Keep the thermostat at 78 degrees in the summer?
Well, I already do those things, so a rechargeable G-Spot vibe seemed the next most economical solution. So I went to Vibreview.com and ordered the Iris vibe by Lelo.
The Iris is, firstly, an attractive vibrator. It looks like a flower coming into bud, and has a lovely curved body, which puts the business tip of the shaft right in contact with my G-Spot tissue. I liked that I didn’t have to fiddle with the placement much: The Iris just slides into my body and stays right where I need it. My version is pale blue and white, and when I charged it for the first time, I left it out on my dresser because it looked so pretty.
It wins points on the snobbery side as well. Iris is non-porous hard plastic, and its insertable shaft is covered by silicone material. No smelly jelly or sticky cyberskin. Smooth, substantial and ergonomic, this is a beautiful piece of machinery. Art meets engineering. Porn meets innovation. Madeline meets Iris. How do you do?
Iris has variable speeds, which I like, since often I like to slow down when I’m about to come, and sometimes the jump from HIGH to LOW leaves me frustrated and confused. There’s an intuitive toggle button in the plastic handle portion of the vibe that adjusts the speed and controls the vibration patterns. It took a little getting used to, but a few minutes into my wank I had it down pat. My favorite pattern for clitoral stimulation is the constant buzz, at varying speeds. Once I inserted it, though, I definitely liked the short bursts vibration pattern, which my sexy assistant Kelly dubbed “Spin Cycle.”
Another feature I love is the dual motors on the Iris. One is up at the tip (makes sense), and the second is right at labia level when the toy is inserted. Finally, I can have labial stimulation without having to use a second or third toy because, frankly, I was running out of hands.
The only issue I had—and it’s a very small issue—is that the little silicone tab on the handle that covers the charging port kept popping up while I was wanking. I’m sure the chance of juices or lube running into the port and frying the inner works is slim; still, I’d prefer if the tab were more secure.
Iris is considered a “high end” toy, being a little on the spendy side. But look: I’ve spent $90.00 on six G-spotters in the past year, none of which lasted longer than two months and all of which required massive quantities of alkaline batteries, putting my annual investment in my G-Spot over $120.00. Put in those terms, if you’re wanting reliable orgasms, this vibrator just makes good financial sense.
The Iris made me come, and it did it well. Not too quickly (it could; I’m just not into that), but easily and with enough variability that I think I’ll have a lot of fun cracking new combinations with it.
And I’ll never resort to stealing batteries from my kids’ walkie-talkies again.
Powered by FireStats